Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Fresh Pain

Well, it has been 1.5 weeks since we lost our little darling baby girl.  I was 21 weeks pregnant when my contractions began.  I thought they were braxton hicks, but when I realized that they were 4 minutes apart, I knew something was wrong.  A trip to the clinic, then to the city hospital confirmed our worst nightmare: we were in preterm labour.  We dropped our 2 year old son, Avery, off at my sisters place at 2am, then headed for the hospital.  I laboured all night, and was scheduled for an ultrasound at 11:15 am.  All looked good on the ultrasound, and I started to have hope.  But, then, right on the ultrasound bed at 11:45am my water broke.  Right at that moment, I knew all hope was lost.  I knew we were going to lose our baby.  My grief was overshadowed by my terror at the prospect have having to actually deliver this baby.  How could I possibly do that?  Well, because I had no choice, that's how.  They gave me an epidural, which I normally would not have wanted, but I welcomed the possibility of "not feeling" this delivery.  The epidural didn't work as well as they had hoped, and I felt a lot of pain.  Then, they were able to "top me up" and I was finally frozen to the pain.  At 11pm that evening, January 19th,2011, I delivered our perfect baby girl who we named "Love".  My husband was really scared to see her, thinking it would make what was happening intolerable, but I knew I HAD to see her.  I knew she would be born alive, and that she deserved to be hugged and cuddled by her mommy and daddy for the duration of her short life.  We were slightly worried that she would look "alien" or be somehow deformed because she was so early, but she was absolutely PERFECT:  Beautiful face, button nose, round head, 10 little fingers and 10 little toes... The only thing wrong was that she was too little and her lungs weren't developed yet so there was no chance of survival.  We covered her in kisses and held her close until she peacefully passed away at 11:57pm - three minutes before her big brothers second birthday.  Actually, I had delivered her brother in the exact same room exactly 2 years before.  It was bittersweet.
I still can't believe this has happened.  When people ask me if there is anything I need, I think "I need a time machine so I can go back in time and somehow make it so this didn't happen".  It's a silly thought, but I think it every single time.
How do I get through this??  At this point, I don't know the answer to that question...

2 comments:

  1. Just wanting you to know that I'm here and reading, and will be here if you there's anything I can do.
    As I approach two years without my twins, I can't tell you how to get through it, but I have faith that you will. Somehow, you will.
    Time doesn't heal all, but it will keep going no matter what. You feel like your life has stopped, while everyone else's keeps moving, and it's true.
    There is a great community of moms out here, ready to support you.
    Peace and love to you,
    xoxo

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  2. I recently just started reading your blog and so sorry for the loss of your little Love. I don't think asking for a time machine is silly at all. I too wish I could go back in time and see if there is any possible way to change the outcome of what happened to my little guy. XO

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