Sunday, February 20, 2011

Heart Chambers

So, I feel like I really need to clear something up that has been pressing on my mind for a while.

Often, when people find out about what happened to Love, they say "You are so lucky that you have Avery!!", or some reasonable facsimile.  And is this true?  Abso-freakin-lutely.  Yes, Avery is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  I love him more than I ever thought possible.  He brings so much joy to my life, he is adorable, he is cuddly, he is hilarious,... Well, I could go on.

But, he doesn't "fix" what has happened.  I have a picture in my head of what it's like that I would like to share:

When I had Avery, a brand new chamber in my heart opened up that I didn't even know existed.  It filled with love for my sweet little boy, and I never knew I could be so completely wrapped around such a little persons finger.  This chamber in my heart is full to overflowing.

When I had Love, a whole new chamber in my heart opened up.  This chamber is in a different location, far from Avery's chamber.  It is a chamber all unto itself.  And it is empty.  It is open, and raw, and empty.  It longs for Love to fill it every day, but she is not here.  The ONLY thing that can fill this chamber is Love, my daughter.  It will remain empty for the rest of my life.

So, yes!  I am absolutely lucky that I have Avery, and I know that every minute of every day.  But the love in his chamber cannot flow over and fill Love's chamber.  They are completely separate, and unique.  So on one hand I am filled with love to overflowing, and on the other I am empty.

I hope that makes sense.  If I ever do decide/try/succeed at having another child, I imagine that a third chamber will open up that will be unique to that child.  And I hope that it will be filled to overflowing like the first...


  1. I understand just what you mean by this. A few of my friends have asked if we have thought yet about whether we'll try to have more children, and the truth is that yes, of course we've thought about it. But another pregnancy, another baby, that won't make what happened to Eliza un-happen. The loss is still there and the sadness is just as potent, even if was preceded by joy and even if it will eventually be followed by more happiness. You are lucky to have Avery but you are so terribly unlucky to have lost your baby girl. I'm so sorry.

    Also: that book I'm reading daily is called _Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief_ by Martha Whitmore Hickman. The title was a turn off for me, but it's been good for me, really.

  2. Thanks for the book title. I will look that one up for sure.

    And thank you for understanding. This whole blog community helps me to feel not so alone. Thank you for reading!!