Friday, February 18, 2011

One month later...

Well, it's been one month since we lost our little Love.  My mind is all over the place.  Sometimes I feel fine, and I feel guilty for feeling fine.  Then the next something will happen that will send me on a tailspin into my greif.  As and example, I went for a walk today with my son, and 3 close girlfriends and their kids (all around the same age as my son, 2 years).  It was a beautiful day, crisp, sun shining...  A great day to be outside.  We were walking along and a lady that we know who is pregnant came up with her son and we all started chatting.  She and my friend who is also expecting starting talking about how they were feeling etc...  and the lady says that she is feeling good but started getting Braxton-Hicks contractions and that they were making her sooooooo tired...  Well, all I could think about was when I thought I was having Braxton-Hicks and they turned out to be contractions, and then I had my little girl.  I started crying right then and there and had to walk away from the group of girls.   Luckily, my girls could see I was upset and were great support to me.  But, it is so unsettling when you think everything is okay, and the BAM!!  It feels as if your feet are swept up from under you and you are falling without warning. 
Another example is that I decided to go to an excercise class in order to get moving again.  I was filled with anxiety before the class for doing something so "normal", as it kind of felt like I was taking a step away from my baby and my greif which keeps me close to her.  Anyways, I was doing the class and the teacher came up and asked me if I had any kids, and how many.  I said I had one son who was 2 years old.  Then, I burst out crying.  Sobbing, actually.  How could I say I had ONE KID!!  I have TWO CHILDREN.  Not one.  How could I have ignored my baby girl like that, and denied her existance??  I felt horrible!  Worse than horrible.   The teacher was horrified, and had no idea what was going on.  I ended up telling her that I had had a baby girl 3 weeks earlier who had died, and she then understood.  I realized then that it was too soon to be "socially activated".
I am struggling right now with wanting to remain in my little bubble of comfort (staying at home or only being with friends/family who know me and my situation), and my desire to re-establish a "normal" life (a new normal, anyways).  But, I feel that every time I go out in public, I feel like people are looking at me like "Hey, there's the girl whose baby died".  And then, on the other hand, I get mad if I feel like they don't know or don't care.  I feel anger that everyone elses life is going on as usual, when mine is in such upheaval and I am so devastated!!  How can they smile and laugh and talk about babies and pregnancies when my life has come to a screeching halt??  I sometimes feel like I want to dress in all black so people will know I am in mourning and will act accordingly, but then at the same time I want to be a part of normal conversations and get back to normalcy.  It is a constant struggle and I flip and flop constantly.  I guess this is how I will be feeling for the next while...

But I still want to know, how do I answer the question "how many kids do you have?". 

3 comments:

  1. I just wanted to stop by and visit after you commented on my blog. Being not that much further down the path of grief I understand all too well what you are feeling. For me it had only been two and a half months but it is getting somewhat easier to live with but hurts no less. My heart aches for you and I wish that neither of us lost our babies...but we are not alone and plea feel free to get in touch if I can help you in any way.

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your little Love. It's clear from your words how much you love her and I hate that we are all reeling from these similar experiences. I wish I could do more to help you. Just know that you are not alone. I'll be thinking of you and Love.

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  3. I am like you in that I hate to feel like no one acknowledges my loss or act like they don't care what happened but at the same time want to just go somewhere new where no one knows of my loss so I'm not that girl who lost her baby, but also fearing meeting new people who might ask me if I have any kids and want to be able to respond "yes I do." Thinking of you and Love

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