Yesterday my husband, Andy, and I went skiing together. A friend had given us a free pass to Whistler, and offered to watch our son for the day. I was partially looking forward to it, but a large part of me was filled with anxiety for trying yet another "normal" thing.
I cried the whole half hour drive to the mountain in the car. Sometimes sobbing, somethings just sad - but always the tears. Andy asked if the tears were because I thought we were leaving her behind. That was EXACTLY why I was crying. Yesterday was Love's one month birthday. Part of me wants to just hold on the the greif, feel it raw, feel it here in ever cell of my body because it makes me feel like she was real, and she was loved. If I start to feel okay and do "fun" things, am I forgetting her? Am I "moving on"?? It is such a battle in my head.
We did end up having a nice day. The conditions were great: The sun was shining, the snow was soft, the air was brisk. It really was beautiful. I tried to allow myself to enjoy it, but I was always aware that I should not have been able to ski that day. I should still be pregnant. I should still be getting bigger and more uncomfortable, feeling my little girl kicking me from within, not enjoying the sun on the ski hill. God , I miss her so much.
I was thinking about her while I was skiing, and thinking how crazy it is that you can love someone soooo much, who you didn't get the chance to know. I didn't get to see her smile, didn't get to hear her voice, or her cry, or her laugh. I didn't get to find out what she would have found funny. What jokes would she have told? What would have been her interests? I will never get to see/hear/know any of these things. Ever. Yet I still love her with all of my heart. I miss her until it aches. My arms feel so empty without her in them. How is that? Where does that come from? Because it is real, my love for her, and it is never ending.