Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The bellies, they are a-changing...

I am not sure if I mentioned that all of my friends are pg. Okay, well, one - D - had her little girl Zoe in November.  My friend T is due end of March.  My friend L is due end of April.  I was due end of May.  These are the people I hang out with every day.  These are my girlz, my peeps.

I was wondering the other day why it is getting harder for me to hang out with T & L.  They were pregnant when I was pregnant.  They were pregnant when I lost love.  And they are pregnant now.  I know all of this.

So why is it getting harder??

I realized because their bellies are getting bigger.

When I got home from the hospital, things were basically the same.  Well, they were still pg (even though I wasn't).  But, they still looked the same as when I left.  So the only thing that had changed was that my little girl was gone.

But now, not only is my little girl gone, but their little ones are growing in their bellies and their bellies are growing because of it.  And I friggin' hate that.  Now, I know I don't have to state the obvious, but I will anyways: I love my girlz, and I want nothing but the best for them, and I am so happy for them that their pregnancies are going so well.  I am just so effin' sad for me.  And when it comes to my happiness for them and my sadness for me, my sadness wins, man.

And I am getting more and more apprehensive as it is now March, and T will be having her little girl (we know it's a girl) in a few short weeks.  And I just know I am gonna freakin' loose it.  Her son is just 6 days older than my son, and they are BFF's.  Wouldn't it have been perfect for our little girls to be BFF's too??  but that is never going to happen now...

And then a month later L is going to have her little one.  And Love should have been friends with her little one too (Avery is also BFF's with her daughter who is 3 months younger than him.  Her daughter is in love with Ave and always is attacking him for hugs and kisses.  It's way too cute...).

And then one month after that it should have been Love's turn to be born...

And D has a daughter who was born in November.  So, 3 little ones who should have been Love's crew.  Her Posse.  Her peeps.  And I will watch them all grow, and play, and develop, and all the while I will be missing my daughter who should have been growing along side of them.

Every day that I think I am having a good day, I am aware of all these dark days ahead.  How sad that I look at the birth of my friends babies as "dark days"!!  Blerg.  But hey, it is what it is.

I really don't know how I will get through these next few months...

1 comment:

  1. I know exactly where you're at.. a close friend of mine (also my DHs cousin's wife) is due three weeks after I was supposed to be. There's no avoiding it.. she's family. I have been good about keeping it normal with her so far, but it's getting harder as my due date, and hers are approaching! Our first girls are also 3 months apart in age, and play together really well. It's so unfair, on top of the grief of losing our babies, we have to deal with the joy of other people. I'll be keeping you & Love in my thoughts.