Thursday, March 31, 2011

I got the first call. Punched in gut.

Today started out as a pretty good day.  I dropped my son off at a friend's house, and headed to my 1st therapy appt with my new therapist.  She was really nice, and easy to talk to.

We had a good session, and I actually got a lot from it.  The main thing I was to focus on was to not worry too much about what might happen in the future, but to concentrate on what was truly happening now.

This was a result of my sharing my anxiety over my two close friends who are expecting right now, and what will happen once they deliver their babies.  I have been actually terrified of getting "the call".  My friend T was due on Tuesday (today is Thursday).  How will I feel?  How will I respond?  Can I still be a good friend to her upon the arrival of her daughter?  She has been so good to me through all this.  Could I be as good to her?  Can I be the friend she deserves? Or, will I be filled with anger and resentment and repulsion at seeing her with her daughter?  So many questions.  So much doubt.

My therapist (Let's call her Dr.A) tells me that to carry all of this anxiety around with me based on future events is a waste of my resources.  I should try to concentrate on now.  Be true to myself in this moment.  And what is true now?  My friends are pregnant.  They are good friends to me.  I am a good friend to them.  For now.  I will not worry about what happens then. I cannot know what that will be like or how I will respond.  Let that go, and focus on our friendship now.   I need to be kind to myself, and respect this grieving process.  Respect where I am today.  This hour.  This minute.  And right now, I am okay.

Well, I was okay.

I got home, listened to my voicemail.  And then: "Hi B, this is T.  I just wanted to let you know that I delivered my beautiful baby girl this morning.  She is doing great, and Daddy and I are doing great.  I just wanted you to be one of the first to know.  We'll talk to you soon".

Wind knocked out of sails.  No wait, wind knocked out of lungs.  Punch to gut.  Good feelings from this morning are gone.

But now is the time to put my morning teachings to the test.  How do I feel right now?  Lost. Alone.  Angry.  Hurt.  Sad.  Resentful.  Jealous.  Mad.  Confused.  Sick to my stomach.  I almost typed that I felt happy for my friend, but that was only because that's what I think I should write.  It's not truly how I feel.  I hope I will feel that way soon, but I don't right now.

But at least now I am not anxious about the unknown.  I know this sucks now.  How will I deal with this baby when I see her?  I will let you know when it happens.  It will be rough though, that I know.  Our sons are best friends, and are only 6 days apart in age.  Our daughters should have been buddies too.  I know I will forever look at her daughter and think she should be playing with my daughter, but never will.

This is so hard and confusing.  I feel so alone.  No one here IRL get's what I am going through.   Is this really my life?



  1. I get it.. completely, but I'm still waiting for 'the call' I want to say this hoping that I can do the same, but go easy on yourself! I truly think that if these people (your side and mine) are true friends, they'll understand that we need to take this slow. How can anyone expect us to hop on the yay for you baby wagon after what we've endured???
    I'm honestly planning on sending a gift, and an letter, saying that I am happy for them (because truly I am) but at the same time.... so very sad for my own situation, and what should be happening, instead of what is.. should be being me packing up my bundle to head over to meet theirs. And that I pray they can let me make the first move to meet there baby (praying it's a boy... not that it'll make it much easier) And hoping that I'm strong enough to do that soon.
    My husband doesn't even understand my turmoil.. .his words to me when I explained what I was feeling about their upcoming baby were "I thought you were stronger than that"
    Ha! thanks honey....
    Anyway, I'm praying for you, and wishing you lots of strength!

  2. Sherri,
    I hope you read this follow up comment. I am so sorry that your husband wasn't with you to experience the birth of your daughter. It is so different for men. I joked the night of Love's birth (just before I knew I was in labour) with Andy's friend that sometimes I thought that Andy forgot I was pregnant! They don't feel sick 24/7. They don't gain the weight. Get the sore nipples. Feel the baby move. Feel the weight of their belly throw them off balance. To them, it's just an idea. The baby doesn't become "real" until they see the baby and touch it and hold it etc... And your husband didn't get that chance. So, for him, Kristen is still "an idea".
    I just had a counselling session this morning that was really great, and next week my husband and I are going to go together. Even though he was there for the birth of our daughter, and throughout her pregnancy, our greif is still very different. The therapist will help us work through our grief together to help ensure that our marriage is strengthened instead of us growing apart.
    I hope that perhaps you and your husband could do that too? I can only imagine what this must be like for the both of you, and hope that you can work to understand what each other are going through.
    And, for what it's worth, you ARE strong. to go through this, and raise your daughter, all while your DH is away only shows your tremendous strength.

  3. You know, you're right.. I mean I've always understood the why of how Ken has taken Kristen's death... I know that for him it's just not really sunk in. But it sure makes us miles apart in how we're coping with the situation. I truly don't know if he'll someday have a "breaking point" when he just comes to grip with everything, and mourn the daughter he never met. Or if things will just carry on like they are now. I haven't attempted therapy quite yet, for the most part, I feel like I get to vent and be understood here... and it has helped, I do feel like I'm moving forward (most of the time) But never thought that maybe it would help Ken. He refuses to talk about his grief, and partly because we had a HUGE fight in the beginning because I made a comment about him not crying about all of this. I understand that he does mourn, and he is sad... he just has nowhere to truly direct it. So maybe I'll try to suggest therapy, and hope that he's willing to go.
    You seem like such a compassionate person, and I'm sorry to unload on you.. I meant to comment and offer my support! lol! Thanks for taking the time to reply to my comment, and thanks for your kind words! Hoping things will get easier for both of us.

  4. I received a birth announcement via mail 3 weeks after my son was born still---from a FAMILY MEMBER. You'd think of all people, they'd understand that our sons were due around the same time and since mine did not live, I didn't need to reminder that theirs did. Gut Punch For Sure.

    I don't know how you're going to deal with the baby-- I myself am just living life avoiding babies right now. My friends and family need to understand. I can be happy at a distance, otherwise I will not be able to hide the sadness if you dare expect me closer. I think we all want the best for them, but we need to be guarded. We have chosen not to attend the family reunion this year so we don't have to see that family member (who sent the announ.) and their baby. First we miss out on having our baby (forever) and now on functions because we can't function properly. :(

  5. I have seen a therapist 3 times since Liam passed, haven't really decided how I feel about it yet.
    From reading the previous comments I can just add that there has been many times I want to just scream at my husband because he just acts like I should be over losing Liam already-just recently posted something about that and really don't care even if it reads it, maybe he will understand then.
    In the past 2 1/2 months I have had a cousin and 2 friends have babies and have had a few others announce they were pregnant. Like B. Wilson I received a birth announcement just a weeks after Liam was born also. I am ready just to hide them all on facebook so I don't have to see any more baby pictures and here about all the firsts.
    We should be sharing in the joy with them.

  6. Your question "Is this my life?" really resonated with me because I keep thinking the same thing. I know I should be making peace with Eliza's death and accepting this as a face from which I can move forward, incorporating her loss into my life. But instead I keep finding myself thinking, "This is not supposed to be life. I am not supposed to be the bereaved mother. I am supposed to be the fun friend, the friend with the potty-mouth, the friend who brags about finding bargain sales and who invites people over for dinner and then makes them cook. I am not supposed to be the friend with the dead baby. This cannot be my life."

    I hate this so much for all of us. My friends have been wonderful about trying to be sensitive, but I know it's hard since I don't even know what I need from them sometimes and other times it changes every minute.

    Thinking of you.