Today started out as a pretty good day. I dropped my son off at a friend's house, and headed to my 1st therapy appt with my new therapist. She was really nice, and easy to talk to.
We had a good session, and I actually got a lot from it. The main thing I was to focus on was to not worry too much about what might happen in the future, but to concentrate on what was truly happening now.
This was a result of my sharing my anxiety over my two close friends who are expecting right now, and what will happen once they deliver their babies. I have been actually terrified of getting "the call". My friend T was due on Tuesday (today is Thursday). How will I feel? How will I respond? Can I still be a good friend to her upon the arrival of her daughter? She has been so good to me through all this. Could I be as good to her? Can I be the friend she deserves? Or, will I be filled with anger and resentment and repulsion at seeing her with her daughter? So many questions. So much doubt.
My therapist (Let's call her Dr.A) tells me that to carry all of this anxiety around with me based on future events is a waste of my resources. I should try to concentrate on now. Be true to myself in this moment. And what is true now? My friends are pregnant. They are good friends to me. I am a good friend to them. For now. I will not worry about what happens then. I cannot know what that will be like or how I will respond. Let that go, and focus on our friendship now. I need to be kind to myself, and respect this grieving process. Respect where I am today. This hour. This minute. And right now, I am okay.
Well, I was okay.
I got home, listened to my voicemail. And then: "Hi B, this is T. I just wanted to let you know that I delivered my beautiful baby girl this morning. She is doing great, and Daddy and I are doing great. I just wanted you to be one of the first to know. We'll talk to you soon".
Wind knocked out of sails. No wait, wind knocked out of lungs. Punch to gut. Good feelings from this morning are gone.
But now is the time to put my morning teachings to the test. How do I feel right now? Lost. Alone. Angry. Hurt. Sad. Resentful. Jealous. Mad. Confused. Sick to my stomach. I almost typed that I felt happy for my friend, but that was only because that's what I think I should write. It's not truly how I feel. I hope I will feel that way soon, but I don't right now.
But at least now I am not anxious about the unknown. I know this sucks now. How will I deal with this baby when I see her? I will let you know when it happens. It will be rough though, that I know. Our sons are best friends, and are only 6 days apart in age. Our daughters should have been buddies too. I know I will forever look at her daughter and think she should be playing with my daughter, but never will.
This is so hard and confusing. I feel so alone. No one here IRL get's what I am going through. Is this really my life?