So, I have the morning to myself today. A friend and I are trading kids so we can each get a full day to ourselves, and today is my day.
Feels so good. It is quiet in here though, but I like it. I am going to clean a little bit, hit the gym, maybe do my nails, or perhaps some gardening (the crocus' and tulips are coming up! Hurray!).
But it is the hitting the gym part that I am both most excited about and putting off.
Before I had Avery I was in the best shape of my life. Well, let's back up a bit. I have ALWAYS had a struggle with my weight. I have gone to the gym for years and years, and have always felt "fit". But, I have always had that extra layer of fat on my body that I just couldn't shake. I have hovered around a size 10/12 for most of my life.
Then in 2006/2007 I was set to go on a trip to Hawaii with my boyfriends (now hubby, Mr.LMF) family. Mr.LMF and I had been together for 4 years, so I thought that perhaps we might get engaged on this trip, so I best be gettin' my ass in gear. On New Years Eve, I decided to scratch carbs (rice, bread, pasta), eat lots of fruit and veggies, and hit the gym hard core. It worked!!! By the time we arrived in Hawaii in March I had lost around 20lbs or so, and was feeling good.
I was right, by the end of our two week stay, we were engaged (Mr.LMF waited until the LAST DAY to request my hand, and by this time I was convinced it wasn't going to happen, so if I had awoken with my lips stapled to my forehead I would have been less surprised)!!
I was feeling so good about how I felt/looked now, and it had sort of become my lifestyle, so I continued to lose weight, tone, and tighten and I dropped down to a size 4/6. At last!!! I felt like I was in the shape I was meant to be in and I loved it.
We were married in January of 2008 and I was in the best shape ever. Loving life, loving my new husband, loving my body. Four months later I got pregnant.
My pregnancy was fraught with "what if's" and "we're not sure"'s, so I was advised to take it easy and do very little exercise: nothing that involved impact or my core. So, I took their word for it, stopped going to the gym, and spent my whole pregnancy laying about.
The result? A sixty pound weight gain, and a healthy, happy, wriggling baby boy!
Over the next year, I enjoyed my new little guy, but not my body. I tried half assed to work out again, but I wasn't into it. So, I started walking, riding my bike, and just tried to be active every day. I lost a bit of weight, but I never got back to my pre-baby body. Not bad though...
Then I got pregnant again. We found out at 7w that the pregnancy wasn't viable, and I was scheduled to have surgery to remove my right uterus along with the little baby inside removed at 12w. I gained weight pretty quickly from fatigue, nausea (how come only carbs or heavy fried foods made me feel better?), and maybe a bit of depression thrown in for good measure.
Then the surgery, and the 6 week recovery period. More weight gain.
Three months to the day after that surgery, I got pregnant again. More nausea, more fatigue, more weight gain. But who cares right?? I was pregnant! I would worry about the weight later.
A more or less healthy pregnancy followed. I had the usual cervical cerclage put in (well, usual for me, anyways), and got an infection after, but was put on antibiotics quickly and the symptoms went away right away so it seemed all good. I continued to walk every day, run after my toddler, and live life.
Cut to 21w, I start getting contractions, go to the hospital, and have my baby girl who lives for 57 minutes.
Cut further to today, almost 9weeks out from Love's birth and death. For all this shit I have gone through, I have nothing to show for my last two pregnancies but three gnarly scars from surgery, 30-ish extra pounds, and a broken heart.
So, I want to go to the gym. I NEEEEEEED to lose this baby weight. It is like a heaving, soft, jiggling reminder of my lost babies. It is natures cruel joke: I get the baby weight, but not the baby. But at the same time, I don't want to go to the gym. I am so out of shape! I hate that it is sooooo hard to do the exercises that were once so easy for me. Aaaargh.
But, I will go. I will try to lose this weight. I feel like I need to train for my next pregnancy, if and when that ever happens. I CANNOT go into a fourth pregnancy in this shape. If I do, I fear I will never get a handle on this and I will be a fat, lazy, jiggly mass for the rest of my live. Yuck.
So, here I go. Off to the gym. Wish me luck. Okay. I'm going. Right..... now.
PS: I have the TV going right now, and who else hates the friggin' Pull.-Ups Potty Dance?? Dumbest thing I have ever seen. If my kid has to pee, I run him to the toilet. I don't say "hold your pee honey, because we have to do the Potty Dance first!". So ridiculous....