So, I am trying to navigate my way through finding my "New Normal". And all I am coming up with is FUCK THE NEW NORMAL, I want my old normal back!! I want my little girl back!!
I realize that I have been swearing a bunch in my blogs, and I don't normally swear all that much in my life (I do have a 2 year old in the house after all), but when I think about all the shit that is running around in my head all I want to do is fill these pages with F-bombs and every other four letter word I can think of. Maybe it's because I have to be so careful throughout the day that this is my one release where I can say THIS FUCKING SUCKS AND THE NEW NORMAL CAN KISS MY LILY WHITE ASS!!! Ugh.
It just doesn't seem to do my emotions justice to say "Well fiddle-dee-dee, I sure am cross that my little girl died. That really is a shame...". I want to scream from the rooftops and have a tantrum to beat all tantrums and stomp my feet and scream until spit comes out of my mouth and my face goes all red and I run out of breath. That's how I feel. I guess you could say I have reached the Anger stage of my grief.
I have mentioned it before, but two of my best friends are getting bigger by the second and are 2 and 6 weeks away from their due dates. And I find myself mad at them. I know I am not really mad at them, but that's how it feels. It's like, can't they get their pregnant bellies out of my face? How dare they have their babies, when mine is gone forever! And of course I don't mean that in reality, but my guts churn and I get all flushed when I meet up with them, and they take off their coats and *bam*, there is a big belly. Bigger than the last time I saw them 2 days ago. I really love my friends, and it makes me feel awful that I feel this way. But this is the one place where I can actually admit that this is how I feel. In person I slap a smile on my face and ask them how they are feeling, and how their doctors appointments went and all that. But it just hurts so much.
Today I got a call from my mom, and she asked how I was doing. I said I was okay. She said "Well, that didn't sound very convincing!". I know she didn't mean anything by it, and was just trying to be funny or something, but I wanted to say "What did you expect? That I would say that I am fan-frickin'-tastic? Couldn't be better? I'm walkin' on sunshine, ya ya!?". Well, that isn't going to happen. Because my baby just died. And I am not going to be fan-fucking-tastic for a hell of a long time. If ever.
I talked to my sister too, who asked how my appointments went last week (I went to see my OB and my midwife for my 6 week check-up). I said that they were emotional. She asked why they were emotional. I said "Um, because my daughter died." Silence. Well, then I felt bad. I'm sure she was just looking to get a conversation going about how it went, but I went on the offensive and just thought the question was dumb.
Man, am I angry. I love my mom and my sister. I couldn't ask for a better family. But today, I was just waiting for someone to say something to me that I could get even remotely bent out of shape about, and then I proceeded to get extremely bent out of shape about it.
I think it is time I call that therapist tomorrow. I think I have put it off long enough. I think might need some help...
thanks for listening. Let's hope for a better tomorrow.