I have been reading the blog "By the Brooke" and it is one of my favourites. Brooke (the blogger, not me) is such an amazing writer, and I enjoy her posts.
She has started doing book reviews, and her second review was of the book "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Ruben. Brooke summarizes this book by saying that the gist (and I am majorly paraphrasing here) of the book is that it is important to do small things that will make you happier, even if they won't fix your unhappiness. Her review really resonated with me, and I have really been thinking about this.
When I first read her review, I was just about to go get my hair done. Cut, colour, and style baby! I hadn't had my hair done in ages, and had the roots to prove it! So, I was really looking forward to it. I got a great cut, and actually felt really great afterwards too. I loved running my fingers through my much shorter straightened hair. I loved catching the reflection of myself in a window or the rear view mirror. "Who is that hot chick" I would think to myself before realizing it was me (okay, I might be exaggerating here, but you get my drift...). Before I read the review of the book, I would have enjoyed my new hair for a couple of days, and then would have forgotten about it and reverted back to ponytailsville. But since I had just read Brooke's blog, I realized that getting my hair done was one of those things that made me happier. It didn't take away my grief, but it did put a smile on my face, and a spring in my step.
Since then, I have made an effort to dress better as well (to compliment the new 'do) and wear makeup as well. These are the small things that bring me happiness right now.
So, I started thinking about other things I could do that could bring me some level of happiness.
I had recently started making a quilt for Love in her memory. I had never made a quilt before, but thought I would bring out my sewing machine (a.k.a. dust collector) and see if I could figure that thing out. I had to read the manual to figure out how to thread it, and how to thread the bobbin, where the bobbin goes, and hell, even to find out what the fuck a bobbin even was. But, the manual was easy to follow, and sewing isn't rocket science, and badda bing badda bang, I started to sew! My MIL came to town to help out and get help me plan my pattern, and taught me how to assemble it and bind it. It took a couple of weeks, but I finished the quilt and it was just a wonderful process all together. I loved being creative; using my hands; seeing my efforts come to fruition. It was therapeutic. And I really loved making something in the memory of my daughter. When I finished it, it really did bring me a certain level of happiness. I did it! I accomplished something. And it was for Love.
So, now I am on a roll. I made the quilt. Then I decided I needed a new project. So, following the lead of my MIL, I have started making personalized towels for the babies that have been born to my friends. I started with T's little daughter, and finished it in one night. The great part about that project is that it made me so excited with how good it looked and how much I knew T would love it that I got on the phone and called her and told her I made something for her daughter and could we get together so I could give it to her. This is important because I have basically cut T from my life since she delivered. And I love T. I missed her. I hated that I didn't want to see her or her baby. But this one little project was sort of a little olive branch that let me know it was OK to see her. I don't know why or how, but when I saw her today, I felt a little bit better. I still couldn't look at her daughter, but baby steps, right? At least I am working on getting my friend back.
Now I am working on D's baby daughter's towel. Then I will do TK's daughter's towel. While I still hate that my friends are all having little girls while my little girl is gone, I do feel good that I can make them a present for their daughters that comes from the heart.
But Oh, Lord, how I wish L will have a little BOY!! Too many little girls being born...
(I also made a pin cushion in my quest to sew my troubles away...)
So, I am not sure what is in the water around here, but EVERY baby being born lately is FEMALE. It is crazy. Not one boy in the bunch.
I have been reading a lot of blogs lately on this very topic, that when friends have babies after our babyloss, we tend to wish that they have a baby of the opposite sex of our lost children. We hope that this will make it easier somehow, that we won't always be looking at this little child and wondering how our little ones would have compared. Would Love have curly hair like this little girl? Would she be Blonde like her? Brunette like her? Tall like her? And I'm not sure if that is the case or not, if it makes it any easier. But man oh man, my friend L is due any minute now, and I am hoping and praying that she has a little boy. I don't think I could take another girl, and especially not from her.
L and I met about a year and a half ago when I moved to Pemby and started going to the mommy and baby drop ins. We didn't really become close until last summer when I invited her over for a girls night with some of the other moms. Well, none of the other moms could make it, so it ended up being just L and I. We drank wine and solved all of the world's problems, and just had a really great time. After that we were thick as thieves, and we see each other almost every day. L and I also have shared our last two pregnancies together as well. Last summer we both became pg at roughly the same time. But, alas, my pg was not meant to be and so I was scheduled to have the baby removed surgically. L was appropriately horrified for me and was a really great support during a really rough time. I was okay with her pg continuing because I didn't really get a chance to really get attached to my pregnancy, so I was happy for her even though we wouldn't get to have our babies together. Later, when I returned home from my surgery and recouperation at the in-laws house, I heard from L that she had miscarried. I was devastated for her. We supported each other through this awful time, but looked forward to trying again and hoped that we would perhaps be on similar paths again in the future and get pg again together. Well, not long later L told me she was pg, and one month after that, I got to to tell her that I was pregnant too! We were quite excited to be going through this together again. What a duo we turned out to be!
Well, we all know that my pregnancy didn't turn out so well. But L's is clicking right along. She is due in 10 days. She is huge. And she better friggin' have a BOY in there or I am going to lose it. I am pretty terrified of her having her baby, and what it will do to me, and what it will do to our friendship.
I am not saying that I won't want to be friends with her anymore. But it will just be too hard if she has a little girl too. No matter what, I will need some space from her, but I am hoping I will be able to come around quicker if she has a boy. Maybe I won't. Who knows. But all I do know is that I am scared.
Lucky for me I have another therapy appointment tomorrow to hopefully help work through all this. Too bad it is only for an hour.