Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Moving on...

In so many ways, I am moving on. Although my grief is still present and very real.

I am feeling better these days.  Not so angry.  Not so vulnerable.  Not so raw.  Making those towel gifts for my friends babies was really  therapeutic for me.  It just made me feel so much better to do something nice for a baby.  You know, instead of looking at them with anger, jealousy, and hurt.

I was also able to call my friend T and inquire about her little girl.  She was born 2 days before Love, so I have felt a certain amount of resentment around their happiness, around their complete family.  But, finally I was able to talk to T about her daughter, how she was doing, how her other daughter was adjusting to being a big sister (funny aside: they have the most hilarious picture of their daugther Ava, 4, holding the baby and giving this look like "what in the hell is this thing, and why do I have to hold it??".  It is priceless.).  And the beauty part was that I didn't feel liking reaching through the phone and clawing her eyes out.  I was actually interested.  I was actually happy for her.  It felt so good, and it was such a relief, like a huge weight had been lifted.

One of the hardest parts of grieving the loss of my daughter has been my feelings of ill will towards my friends.  Usually, I want nothing but the best for my friends, and find joy in their joy.  But since love died, I feel jealous of their joy.  I am hurt by the arrival of their babies.  I resent their ability to have easy pregnancies.  And it is such a burden.  It feels so heavy.   So, to see this easing a bit is such a great relief. I have hope that I will find joy in their joy again.  I have hope for the future...

::

We also bought a house.  I am really excited about this new chapter of our lives.  For the last two years we have been renting a beautiful house on a large property just outside of town - but close enough to walk or ride a bike into town.  It has been a perfect place to raise Avery and we have really enjoyed life here.  But, we knew that we didn't want to rent forever, and the landlord is really nervous about Avery wandering over and falling into his pool (his house is on this property also).  So, Mr.LMF has been looking for property since we moved here.  Well, he found a great place on 2.75 acres with a horse paddock in the front yard. The house is small and cozy, and it is a 10 minute drive out of town.

As excited as I am to move into our new home, I am also sad to be leaving the only place where my daughter was with me.  All of my memories of her are here: laying in the bedroom reading and feeling her kicking; standing in the shower and washing my growing belly; laying on the couch in the living room in the sunshine during those first few tired months...  And also my most vivid memory of going into labour here, laying on the couch watching Glee and realizing that my "braxton hicks" were actually 4 minutes apart, calling the midwife and having her tell us that it sounded like we were in preterm labour, and if the baby was born she wouldn't make it...  Some memories are happy, some are sad, but they are all here.  I almost feel as though we will be moving and she will be staying behind, and it breaks my heart.

I have a picture in my head of loading Avery into the car in his carseat as we pull away from the house for the last time, and having Love's memory box in the other seat in the backseat of the car fastened in with the seatbelt.  Driving to our new home with our two kids safely strapped in the car with us...  Thinking of that makes me feel a bit better, if not a little silly.

::

I have also been thinking about trying to get pregnant again.  Not right now, but in a few months.  The thought is not as horrifying as it once was, but it is still scary.   I am not one of those lucky women who find pregnancy wonderfully exciting.  I don't glow.

I gained 60lbs with Avery.  I also gained a bunch of weight with my two subsequent pregnancies (which I have yet to lose).  I get tired.  I feel sick.  I crave all things fatty and carby, and nothing leafy or healthy.  Plus there is the whole cerclage nonsense that I have to endure, and the biweekly doctors appointments that mean two hour trips to the city... So I am not overly excited to do it all again.  But....  there is a reason why we got pregnant the last two times.  I want a baby.  I want Avery to have a sibling.  There is a member of this family that is missing.  In addition to Love, I mean.  I do not want to replace her.  I want to add to this family.  So, if I have to do all that stuff again in order to make that happen, I will.  And, I will do it willingly.  I can only hope that it all goes well, and that we all end up happy and healthy in the end.

Like all of us on this horrible journey, I am hoping to find the strength to try it all again.  And, I think it's coming.  All I can do right now is hope.

3 comments:

  1. Congrats on your new home!
    I don't really have bitter feelings.. I don't think. More just really awful resentment to the situation we're in. I just want the life I had planned... our girls growing up together.... I'm happy they have theirs. I wish we had ours.

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  2. I am so glad to hear that those towel gifts have been so therapeutic for you. I also feel like I am slowly starting to feel better around friends babies. A little less jealous, resentful, and angry, but yet still sad for Liam.
    Congrats on the new home and praying that Avery and Love will get another sibling when you feel the time is right

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  3. I know just what you mean about looking toward a new start and feeling excited about it, at the same time being reluctant to let go of those places that are familiar in our grief. Thinking of you and your little Love as you move forward to a new home. I have felt all the same conflicting emotions about friends' babies and uncertainty about when we might want to try to have another baby.

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