Tuesday, May 31, 2011

To My Love, On Your Due Date


Today is your due date.  Today is the day that we would have been waiting for with such great anticipation.  Sometime around today, you would have been born, and we would have gotten to meet you. We didn't know if you were going to be a boy or girl, so this would have been the time that we got to discover that there was a little girl in there growing inside of me.
When you came, I would have put you on my chest and cuddled you and told you how beautiful you were.  You would have had Daddy wrapped around your little finger.

Love, even though you are no longer with us in body, you are with us every minute of every day in spirit, in our hearts, and on our minds.  You are so very loved, and so very missed.

You were with us such a short time, but you have changed Mommy and Daddy's lives forever.  I know that I am a better person because of you.  I am more compassionate, patient, and understanding.  I love more deeply in the present because I know that everything can change in an instant, and the thing you love most could be gone...  I am learning to enjoy the highs more (although I must admit that I am not quite there yet), because I know how incredibly low I can feel.

Love, there aren't enough words to tell you how very much I miss you and wish things were different.  My biggest wish in this whole world is that I could hug and cuddle you with happy tears in my eyes, not sad.

Mommy and Daddy are thinking of you today, my love, and always.  You remain in our hearts, and we love you with all we've got.


Mommy and Daddy

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Two days until my due date

This is what my head is doing today:

Talking to people (my side of the conversation and my thoughts):

  • "Hi!  How are you?" (2 days until my due date) "Oh, I'm fine..."(2 days until my due date) "Yeah,  weather is finally turning nice, and the sun is shining!" (2 days until my due date) 
  • "One Americano please" (2 days until my due date).  "No, no sugar, just cream." (2 days until my due date)
This is me packing for our move on Wednesday:
  • Hmmmmm... what box should this go in? (2 days until my due date)  Oh yeah, I have to make sure to clean there, and vacuum there (2 days until my due date).  Where did that box go with the bathroom stuff so I can add this thing to it (2 days until my due date)...
This is me talking to Avery:
  • Do you have to pee? (2 days until my due date)  Don't pee in your underwear, make sure to tell Mommy if you have to pee! (2 days until my due date)  Don't pee on the floor! (2 days until my due date)  Do you have to use the potty? (2 days until my due date).  Are you hungry? (2 days until my due date) You want pancakes? (2 days until my due date) Shit, we are out of eggs. (2 days until my due date)
(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date)(2 days until my due date).....

That is pretty much how my brain has been working.  

Good times.

I have been holding up pretty well, but I think I am starting to crack, and see a huge crumble in my near future.  And how long can this lump in my throat stick around?  

I am thankful for the distraction of moving, but also wish I could crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head until it's all over.  

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Are we friggin' crazy??

I am often asking myself that question: Are we friggin' craaaaaazy??

I am asking this because we are thinking about trying to get pregnant again.  Gulp.

To recap, I have spent 8 months over the last year or so pregnant.  I was pregnant for 3 months last year, only to have that end via surgery on June 9, 2010.

Three months later, we got pregnant again.  This one lasted 5 months, ending in the birth of my beautiful baby girl at 21 weeks.  Too little to survive, she died in my arms after 57 minutes.

So, we are coming up on two anniversaries: the surgical delivery of my second pregnancy on June 9th, and the EDD of Love,  on May 31st.

Oh, and we are also moving on June 1st.  Why not throw that into the mix for good measure?

So, the part of me that wants to give Avery a little sibling, and who wants to have a baby in her arms, and was really looking forward to a spring baby, and who wants to add to this family is yelling "Do it!  Do it now!!"

But, the part of me that is still grieving for my lost little girl, is screaming "Don't do it!  Not yet!  Give yourself tiiiiiiiiime!!!"

But then, I am going to be 36 in October.  How much time do I have?  I don't want to wait so long that we then have infertility to deal with.  And my sisters and I were all so close in age (21 months and 15 months between 1st, 2nd, and 3rd of us.  I am the youngest), and I LOVED that we were so close growing up.  We had so much in common, played together, and are best friends now.  Avery will already be 3 when his sibling is born, even if I got pregnant today.  How will that affect their relationship as they grow?

I have just been on the baby-making train for so long now that I don't quite know how to get off, or even if I want to.

I do know that I want to wait until after Love's due date, because I don't want anyone to ever say that if Love hadn't died then I would never have had baby "x" and all the joy that they will bring to my life.  I would flip a lid if anyone implied that Love had to die to make way for someone else.

So, are we friggin' crazy?  I don't know.  I don't know how to slow down, but I am afraid of to move ahead.  Very scary stuff.

I guess my current plan is to just let whatever is meant to happen happen, and let the chips fall where they may.  But, even that feels wrong.  I need some sort of CONTROL over this process.  Aaaaaahhhh!!

Yup.  I think i have my answer.  I'm crazy.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Too friggin' funny...

My sister is way too funny.  This happened on facebook this morning:

me: "a little person burst into our room this morning at 6am demanding pancakes!!! So, I'm making pancakes."

sister: "was it Peter Dinklage?"

In case you don't know (I didn't, I had to google him), Peter Dinklage is that little actor who was the mean children's author in the movie Elf who ran across the desk to beat up Will Farrell for calling him "an angry little Elf"!  He was also in "Death at a Funeral", and was also in a "30 Rock" episode.

Anyways, I just had to share because I was laughing my head off.

And no, it wasn't Peter Dinklage in my room this morning.  It was my son.

I love my sister!!! Hahahaha

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Go Canucks Go!!

Okay, the hubby is out tonight watching hockey with his buddies, so I have been able to catch up on my blogging.  Three in one day!  Crazy.  Also, the boy is sleeping so that helps...

I am blogging while watching the hockey game.  Its 7-3 for the Canucks, which is awesome.  I am not a huge hockey fan in the regular season, but I LOVE the playoffs if the Canucks are doing well.  And we are in the semi-finals, so it is fun to watch.  I also grew up in a family of all women (mother and two sisters), so needless to say, we didn't spend much time watching hockey in my formative years.  So, I am quite impressed with myself that I am watching the game even though the hubby is not here.  Go me!!!

So, I have been thinking lots lately about "what should have been".  I am coming up on Love's estimated due date: May 31st.  I would have gotten my cerclage out a couple of weeks ago (around 36 weeks).  I would be getting her room all ready.  Andy and I would have been taking bets on whether it was a boy or a girl. I am pretty good at guessing (I was SURE Avery was going to be a boy, and he was; I was pretty sure I was expecting a girl this time, and I was), so I might have been pocketing some $$ for being right in the near future.  I would have been HUGE right about now, and bitching about how friggin' uncomfortable I'm sure I would have been...  I would have been packing to get ready to stay at a friends house in Van until I went into labour and had our baby.  I was planning on having a nice, short, easy labour, with very little pain, and no drugs (Hey, this is my daydream - I can say what I want!).  But... ugh.  No such luck.  I'm sure you get that none of that is going to happen...

Mothers day was hard.  My hubby gave me a card from him and Avery and it had hearts all over it.  He outlined one of the hears with a pen and wrote Love's name beside it.  I lost it.  I sobbed.  Andy's mom Sue was here and got to witness my meltdown.  I actually don't mind that she saw that.  sometimes I feel like it is a good thing for people (especially close family) to see our pain and to realize that it is not over for us.

Oh, but to go back a bit, all I asked for for Mothers Day was the chance to sleep in, and for a homemade gift (SPOILER ALERT: I didn't get either!  A bunch of bitching follows.)

Avery came into our room at about 6:30am to get us up.  Andy tried to get him to cuddle with us (which he does not like to do), then he tried to get him to play for a while.  Avery protested and made a tone of noise because he just wanted to play.  About every 5 minutes or so, Avery wanted to come into the bedroom to see what Mommy was doing.  Get up Mommy!  Mommy come too!  Pancakes Mommy!  Sippy??!!  Needless to say, I did NOT get to sleep in.  So then, I get up, and my dear sweet hubby thinks that Pancakes are a GREAT idea, and since no one makes pancakes quite as well as I do (even though I follow a recipe that I found online, so basically anyone who knows how to read and can follow directions could make them just as well) I should just go ahead and make my "famous pancakes".  So, I get to make my own Mothers Day breakfast.  And, since that tactic worked, I think he must have said something along the lines of that no one cleans the kitchen as well as I do either, because somehow I ended up cleaning the kitchen after breakfast too.  On mothers day.  We were off to a great start!

Then I get my card that I mentioned above.  That was really sweet, and as I said, it brought me to tears.  I really really really friggin' missed my little girl.  I felt like I had a gaping open wound in my chest throughout the day.

(I should mention the second part of my request for Mothers day: a homemade present.  Well, as my gift, my dear sweet hubby is going to get me a bathroom vanity for our new house.  The brainiac who designed the master bath put a pedestal sink in there if you can even believe that.  Who does that?  Anyways, we are getting a new vanity.  I'm not sure that this counts as "homemade", but it is made for the home, so I will let it count.  I'm feeling generous...)

Anyways, I gotta run b/c the hubby just got home.  I'm all typed out.

Thanks for reading!

Happy List Wednesday

Okay, usually these are done on Saturdays, but for some reason I can't get my shit together on a Saturday to get it done, so Wednesday it is!!  There is so much to be thankful for that I can't let the day of the week get in the way of reflecting on all that I have to be thankful for.  So, here goes:

  • I am thankful that I have a hubby who I love and adore
  • I am thankful that said hubby is so keen to go to couples/grief counselling with me as we navigate through the loss of our sweet daughter (so many of my friends hubbies won't touch counselling with a 10' pole)
  • I am thankful for my precious son who is such an absolute joy.  He is adorable, cute, hilarious, smart, frustrating, stubborn, cautious, and just plain tasty!!  And he smells soooooo good.  I love him to bits and teeny tiny pieces.
  • I am thankful that my friends and family are all healthy.  
  • I am thankful that I have such a good group of friends here in Pemby who have been so wonderful and understanding and patient with me through my grief.  
  • Even if I don't really enjoy their babies at this exact moment in time, I am EXTREMELY thankful that they do not know from experience what babyloss is like and what I am going through.  
  • I am thankful that even though this has been the worst time of my life, I am still able to see the bright side of things, find humour in the every day things, and laugh at stupid jokes.  I am glad that I am not the type to let bitterness overwhelm me (even though it can sometimes be a struggle).
  • I am thankful to be Canadian, and to not have received A FRIGGIN' BILL in the mail to pay for the birth of my daughter who died.  I don't know all the ins and outs of American health care, but how in the world can you not want universal health care???  The only bill we got was for the rental of the TV in my hospital room, and that was covered by insurance.  
  • And lastly, I am thankful for the 57 minutes I got to spend with my darling daughter.  I am thankful that she got to die in my arms and not hooked up to machines.  I am thankful that I got to kiss her head while it was nice and warm and smelled like HER.  I am glad that she was mine.  I love her and miss her every minute, but I am so thankful that I got to meet her.
Okay, I think that is enough for now.  It is nice to reflect on the positive things in life.  

Thanks for reading.

I'm not sure what to say...

I'm not really sure what I should post about today, but I feel like I have abandoned my blog, and I don't want to do that.  I spend so much time reading other blogs that say exactly what I want to say and are done much more articulately than I could ever do (I'm looking at you "by the brooke"), that it kind of takes the wind out of my sails so I just read them and move on.

I am also struggling a little bit with blog envy.  This is going to sound bonkers, but I feel like
a) I don't write as well as other bloggers
b) I can't organize my thoughts properly
c) I am not as witty or hilarious on paper as other bloggers (although I am pretty sure I am funny IRL.  Go figure.)
d) I don't have very many followers (I just got my 7th follower!  I was so freakin' excited.  Thank you for following me!)

I am trying to grieve my daughter, but I find myself also now dealing with BLOG ENVY!!!

Okay, I am mostly kidding here, but there is a smidgen of truth to each of the points above.  But, I guess the plus side is that the other blogs I am reading are saying what I want to say, so obviously I am not alone. But, if it's already being said, is there really a point to me saying it again too?  And not as well??  

Okay, maybe there is a point: for my own good.  I started this blog in the beginning as a way to document my daughters short life, and the details of her delivery, and how I dealt with the aftermath of her death.  I really just started it for my own records.

But then, I started reading other blogs, and realized that I wasn't alone, and started to join this online community of babylossmamas, and it became a lifeline for me.  I can't even begin to describe how I felt when I started to blog about my experiences and feelings, and then to find out that others were reading and leaving comments!!  And they agreed, and sympathized, and were feeling what I was feeling!!!  It was just absolutely wonderful.   I feel so fortunate to have this access to other women who are going through the same/similar things as me.  I don't know what I would have done without it...

So I guess what I want to say to anyone who is reading is this: Thank you for reading.  I am sorry if you are going through this too.  Thank you for remembering Love with me.  And I will remember your little one with you too.

Hugs to you all.