Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Are we friggin' crazy??

I am often asking myself that question: Are we friggin' craaaaaazy??

I am asking this because we are thinking about trying to get pregnant again.  Gulp.

To recap, I have spent 8 months over the last year or so pregnant.  I was pregnant for 3 months last year, only to have that end via surgery on June 9, 2010.

Three months later, we got pregnant again.  This one lasted 5 months, ending in the birth of my beautiful baby girl at 21 weeks.  Too little to survive, she died in my arms after 57 minutes.

So, we are coming up on two anniversaries: the surgical delivery of my second pregnancy on June 9th, and the EDD of Love,  on May 31st.

Oh, and we are also moving on June 1st.  Why not throw that into the mix for good measure?

So, the part of me that wants to give Avery a little sibling, and who wants to have a baby in her arms, and was really looking forward to a spring baby, and who wants to add to this family is yelling "Do it!  Do it now!!"

But, the part of me that is still grieving for my lost little girl, is screaming "Don't do it!  Not yet!  Give yourself tiiiiiiiiime!!!"

But then, I am going to be 36 in October.  How much time do I have?  I don't want to wait so long that we then have infertility to deal with.  And my sisters and I were all so close in age (21 months and 15 months between 1st, 2nd, and 3rd of us.  I am the youngest), and I LOVED that we were so close growing up.  We had so much in common, played together, and are best friends now.  Avery will already be 3 when his sibling is born, even if I got pregnant today.  How will that affect their relationship as they grow?

I have just been on the baby-making train for so long now that I don't quite know how to get off, or even if I want to.

I do know that I want to wait until after Love's due date, because I don't want anyone to ever say that if Love hadn't died then I would never have had baby "x" and all the joy that they will bring to my life.  I would flip a lid if anyone implied that Love had to die to make way for someone else.

So, are we friggin' crazy?  I don't know.  I don't know how to slow down, but I am afraid of to move ahead.  Very scary stuff.

I guess my current plan is to just let whatever is meant to happen happen, and let the chips fall where they may.  But, even that feels wrong.  I need some sort of CONTROL over this process.  Aaaaaahhhh!!

Yup.  I think i have my answer.  I'm crazy.

2 comments:

  1. I've been struggling with these same questions in many ways. There is no good time to try again. Part of me wants a baby as soon as possible. Part of me wants to wait until it's been a year since Eliza was born before we even try to get pregnant again. Sometimes I think I'm not ready to get pregnant because all I want is to get Eliza back, but then I think that until I get pregnant again, that feeling will never change. I'll be thinking of you as these difficult anniversaries approach.

    Oh--and by the way, my little brother and I are over three years apart and he's totally one of my favorite people. Now more than ever. Just don't tell him I said that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I tell my husband everyday that I think I am going crazy. I want another baby so badly but so scared of things ending the same way, and also still missing Liam so much. Its all just to much to think about it.

    ReplyDelete