Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I'm not sure what to say...

I'm not really sure what I should post about today, but I feel like I have abandoned my blog, and I don't want to do that.  I spend so much time reading other blogs that say exactly what I want to say and are done much more articulately than I could ever do (I'm looking at you "by the brooke"), that it kind of takes the wind out of my sails so I just read them and move on.

I am also struggling a little bit with blog envy.  This is going to sound bonkers, but I feel like
a) I don't write as well as other bloggers
b) I can't organize my thoughts properly
c) I am not as witty or hilarious on paper as other bloggers (although I am pretty sure I am funny IRL.  Go figure.)
d) I don't have very many followers (I just got my 7th follower!  I was so freakin' excited.  Thank you for following me!)

I am trying to grieve my daughter, but I find myself also now dealing with BLOG ENVY!!!

Okay, I am mostly kidding here, but there is a smidgen of truth to each of the points above.  But, I guess the plus side is that the other blogs I am reading are saying what I want to say, so obviously I am not alone. But, if it's already being said, is there really a point to me saying it again too?  And not as well??  

Okay, maybe there is a point: for my own good.  I started this blog in the beginning as a way to document my daughters short life, and the details of her delivery, and how I dealt with the aftermath of her death.  I really just started it for my own records.

But then, I started reading other blogs, and realized that I wasn't alone, and started to join this online community of babylossmamas, and it became a lifeline for me.  I can't even begin to describe how I felt when I started to blog about my experiences and feelings, and then to find out that others were reading and leaving comments!!  And they agreed, and sympathized, and were feeling what I was feeling!!!  It was just absolutely wonderful.   I feel so fortunate to have this access to other women who are going through the same/similar things as me.  I don't know what I would have done without it...

So I guess what I want to say to anyone who is reading is this: Thank you for reading.  I am sorry if you are going through this too.  Thank you for remembering Love with me.  And I will remember your little one with you too.

Hugs to you all.

3 comments:

  1. I'm your 7th. I think you're pretty funny and that's why I started following you.

    It's okay to "re-write" what other people are saying. As a matter of fact, I think that's where we're all at. We aren't saying anything women 1 year, 2 years, 100 years ago haven't said about losing their babies. But it's the writing that's therapeutic. And, it helps to keep a journal of your "progress" (or whatever that means) when you read back on this years from now. It also helps future BLMs out there who stumble upon your blog to see that they are completely normal in their own minds and hearts.

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have thought about many of those same things before. I often feel I am not a very good writer and never seem to be able to find the right words, but truthfully I started my blog to write about how I'm feeling and coping with Liam's loss and have realized that doesn't need to be no well wrote, grammar proofed manuscript. What matters is that it comes from the heart. I think you write beautifully about Love and I read everyone of your posts.
    Take Care:)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Believe me, I always think I'm just echoing what I've read elsewhere, too. I read Elizabeth McCracken's book and thought "Well, that's exactly how I feel. She already said it." But part of writing isn't just to communicate with other people, it's to work through your own thoughts and try to find the words that at least get close to what you're feeling. It's gratifying, for sure, to put your crazy out there and have other people identify with it, but I know we'd want to write about Love and Eliza even if we were each other's only readers. Like you said, it's another way to honor them and the ways they have shaped our lives.

    ReplyDelete