Thursday, June 16, 2011

Shame on them!

The Canucks game was last night.  Riots followed.  Lame.

Who does that?  Aren't there worse things going on in the world other than a bunch of guys not getting a puck into a net enough times?  I mean, really.  It's a gaaaaaaaaaaaaame!!

All of those people give us Canucks fans, Vancouverites, and Canadians a bad name.

How embarrassing.

Just for the record: Those were NOT true Canucks/hockey fans.  Those were a bunch of IDIOTS being idiotic.  They would have done that had the Canucks won or lost.

My apologies to all who had to witness such foolishness.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Soon the space will be too small...

I absolutely LOVE this blogosphere.  You put a question out there, and you get an answer!  Well, maybe not always, but I did this time.

A heartfelt THANK YOU to "by the brooke" for forwarding me this beautiful answer to my question: Where is Love??

In my last post, I was struggling with the thought of Love not just being gone, but GONE gone.  How could such a lovely little creature who filled my heart with love and changed my world forever cease to exist?  I just couldn't wrap my head around it.

Well, Brooke forwarded me an article and sound clip from Glow in the Woods that spoke of that very topic.

Listen here:,

and read the whole article here.

As I listened to Ihasa De Sela explain where we came from and where we are going, tears rolled down my cheeks.  I was filled with a calm as the picture of our origins filled my mind.  It seemed so true.  Then we are born.  And then we die.  But that's not the end.  And it isn't "Heaven" that we go to.  Well, not in the biblical sense (at least not in my mind's eye), but it is the next place, the next chapter.  Where ever that is.  And I love that I can decide in my mind where that is for Love.  And what that might look like for me, and for my loved ones.  And you can decide for yourself, and your loved ones.  You may be right, you may be wrong, but who cares?  If it brings peace and a bit of calm, then it works for me.  And I love the sense of wonder.  What will it be like?  Where am I going?  Where is Love?  I don't know right now.  And I don't really need to know.  But I just know that she isn't gone.  Well, not GONE gone.  I know that now.

The writer of the article states: "Some Old Testament scholars, wrote Janel, define "lament" as the reaction to a belief-shattering experience. Bon's contemplations on this idea turned in the same direction as mine. In her comment she wrote my beliefs were vague enough so as to be enhanced rather than shattered by the experience. A void begs to be filled. That filling is my lament. I formed brand-new beliefs based on what I saw, felt, sensed in the NICU"

That is the same for me.  My beliefs have not been written down in a book and taught to me in Sunday School, or by my parents, or by professors, or even teachers.  My beliefs have been formed by my experiences, and by what my mind finds acceptable and truthful and believable.  I love the freedom I have to come across a belief or ideology, and roll it around in my mind. To think about it, and dissect it.  Does it make sense?  Does it fit in with other things I know or feel are true?  I can then accept the belief into my world, or I can reject it and move on.  Or, I can even take the parts I like, and discard the others. It's my prerogative.  I love that.  And my beliefs are vague enough, just like the authors, to be enhanced by this whole experience.

In the future, when Avery finally asks where is little sister is, I will be able to tell him that she is in her next life.  She is off having an adventure, and waiting for us to join her one day so she can show us the ropes.  And even though I miss her like crazy and would rather she be here with us, there is still a lot of living for us to do before we meet her there.

Thank you so much Brooke for passing this on to me.  I really, really appreciate it.

I will leave you with the poem:


Soon this space will be too small
and I'll go outside
to the huge hillside
where the wild wilds blow
and the cold stars shine

I'll put my foot
on the living road
and be carried from here
to the heart of the world

I'll be strong as a ship
and wise as a whale
and I'll say three words
that will save us all
and I'll say three words
that will save us all

Soon this space will be too small
and I'll laugh so hard
that the walls cave in

Then I'll die three times
and be born again
in a little box
with a golden key
and a flying fish
will set me free

and I'll go outside

Soon this space will be too small
all my veins and bones
will be burnt to dust
you can throw me into
a black iron pot
and my dust will tell
what my flesh would not

Soon this space will be too small
and I'll go outside
and I'll go outside  

Monday, June 13, 2011

Good Heavens, I'm confused...

I have been thinking a lot lately about faith, and religion, and in particular: Heaven.

I have never been a religious person.  I wasn't raised that way, and have never felt the need for religion.  I could never get on board with the whole "dude with a white beard in the sky who made the whole world in 7 days" thing.  I mean no disrespect to anyone who does believe in God or other deities, but I just have never felt the need or desire to have religion/God in my life.  I have just lived by the Golden Rule, and thought that I wanted to be a good person because it feels good to be kind to others, not because I was afraid that I would be sentenced to an eternity of Damnation if I didn't play by the rules.  And, so far, it has worked out pretty well for me.  Until now...

I am not really re-evaluating my views on God and religion, but I am having trouble with where I think Love is right now.  I used to think when we die, that's it.  We're done.  Gone.  Finito.  And I guess I am lucky that I haven't lost anyone before close enough to me for that to really bug me.  But now it does.  I don't like the thought of Love being "gone".  I like the thought of her being in a better place.  Or waiting for me somewhere where one day we will be reunited.  That thought is more comforting than that she ceases to exist.  The thought of her being gone from this world and any other that may exist leaves me cold and empty inside.

And then there is what to tell my son.  I still don't think Avery gets that he has a sister who is dead.  We don't talk to him much about it, but I don't hide it. But, with a 2 and a half year old, it just doesn't seem to come up that often.

Yesterday he was watching our digital frame that was scrolling through our pictures, and the ones of me holding Love at the hospital just after I had her came up.  He looked at it and said "there's Mommy, and there's Daddy!"  He didn't say anything about the baby in my arms.  But one day he will.  And then what?

I don't really feel comfortable saying that Love is in Heaven, because I don't believe that.  Or, at least not the "Heaven" that is referred to in a religious context. But I also don't really want to tell him that she is dead and gone and that's all there is to it.  Because that seems a little harsh.  And also, is that all there is to it?  I don't think I want to live in a world anymore where that is true.  I want there to be more.  But just because I want it to be true, doesn't make it so.  I mean, I can't just "make up" some other option.  It is so confusing.

I don't really know yet what I will say when Avery asks about his sister and where she is.  I guess I will come up with something.  Hopefully I will have a little more time to turn it around in my mind until I can find something that feels right.  Fingers crossed.

Any suggestions??