Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The weight was lifted. Sort of.

I have been thinking a lot about why I have been feeling better as of late (when the hubby is away I have more time to think.  Go figure.).

I realized that a few things led to this:

One is that all of my friends have finally had all of their babies.  Thank God.  It was like a friggin' horror parade around here of babies babies babies.  It was all so much fun when I was a part of the action too (remember when you were a kid and you would say to your besties "when we grow up let's all have our babies AT THE SAME TIME.  It will be so much FUN!!!), but it lost all of it's lustre when Love died, and it turned from fun to torture.  Anyway, now there are four healthy happy little girls squirming around my friends and I am thankful that the anticipation of each and every one of them is finally over.

The other main reason I am feeling better is that my due date has finally passed.  May 31st was a really hard day, but I must say that it feels so fucking good to not have that looming ahead of me any more.  That was just torture to look forward to and think about.  But now, it's over and done.  Of course it didn't really fix anything, I should have a one month old right now, and I will continue that "she should be this old" count as my life goes on.  But at least it's not really a "countdown", or a day in the future to dread.  Having my due date pass made the pain of it all seem less sharp, more easy to deal with.  It literally felt as though a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

Also, the sun and nice weather have helped a lot too.  I am kind of glad that all of this happened when the weather was shitty and rainy and snowy and cold.  I was able to stay inside and hibernate away from all the 'normal' people out in the world who didn't have their baby just die.  But now the sun is shining, my flowers are blooming (except my rose bush that my sister in law bought for me in memory of Love just after she died that is the "Sweetness" variety, that I think is now dead.  The irony is NOT lost on me.), and it is just generally nice to be out and about.  Avery is loving our new house, and has figured out his run bike so that keeps us busy, and life seems pretty okay.

But, please do not misunderstand.  I still have bad days, bad hours, bad minutes.  I still get blindsided by my grief, or a memory from the hospital or from my pregnancy will become crystal clear in my mind and I will be transported to that moment in time and I will need to hold on to something secure to keep me from falling apart.  But those are fewer and further between.  And, I can rebound a little easier.  Which is nice.

I am feeling less and less defined by this awful experience, and more and more hopeful for the future (although one funny - and I'm using the term 'funny' loosely here - side affect of Love's death is that now I am a lot more paranoid.  Every freckle is skin cancer, every headache is a brain tumour, if Andy is late I think he is dead on the side of the highway.  I guess it's because I know now that shitty things don't happen "to somebody else".  They can happen to me and to those I love.  That is fucking scary.) So, other than my paranoia, I guess I am feeling better about the future, and hell, even the present.

But I still miss my little girl, so very much.  That will never change.

First time with Pics!! Hey, that was easy!

Well, things have been pretty quiet here in my blogosphere.  Feeling pretty good lately, which is nice.

I got an email from my hubby the other day, and at the end, he put "I love you and Avery", and then he wrote "Hey, that's all four of us together again".  And I was going, huh?

He meant:

I (Andy) love (Love) you (me) and Avery (Avery, obvs).

I thought that was so sweet, it brought tears to my eyes.

We are at the beginning stages of trying to conceive again.  I find it very scary, but I am also somewhat okay with it.  It all boils down to the fact that I want to have another child, and in order to do that.... Well, you know how it works.

So, I will keep you posted as we progress.  Luckily, we have not experienced infertility in the past, so I am hoping it won't take too long.  But, I am not getting any younger and things change so I am not counting my chickens.


Andy has been working up at Gun Lake near Goldbridge BC lately and invited my sister and Avery and I up there to see him.  We had a blast.

This is the view from the house.  Not too shabby.

The house we beautiful too, and we stayed in the guest caboose which was actually an old caboose that was retrofitted as a guest house with all the comforts of home.  It was really cute.  

It was so nice to spend time with my son and sister.  

This is me and Avery.  That is my headless sister in the background.

Andy will still be up there for a few more days, but we came home yesterday to return the dog in the background to his owners (We were dogsitting.  He was not dog-napped.), and so my sister could return to Vancouver for work.  

Okay, that was my first foray into adding pictures.  It was actually pretty easy!!  Just FYI: I am very careful not to upload people's pictures onto the net without their permission, hence no sister head or hubby.  Also, the house isn't mine so I don't want to post pics.  But believe me when I say it was beautiful.

Anyhoo, that is our life in a nutshell for now.  

Oh, but there was this little gem of a conversation with my sister:

Sis: "So, your parents in law don't have a granddaughter do they?" 
Me: "Yes they do!"
Sis: "Who??"
Me: "LOVE!!!!!"
Sis: Oh, well....(silence)