Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The weight was lifted. Sort of.

I have been thinking a lot about why I have been feeling better as of late (when the hubby is away I have more time to think.  Go figure.).

I realized that a few things led to this:

One is that all of my friends have finally had all of their babies.  Thank God.  It was like a friggin' horror parade around here of babies babies babies.  It was all so much fun when I was a part of the action too (remember when you were a kid and you would say to your besties "when we grow up let's all have our babies AT THE SAME TIME.  It will be so much FUN!!!), but it lost all of it's lustre when Love died, and it turned from fun to torture.  Anyway, now there are four healthy happy little girls squirming around my friends and I am thankful that the anticipation of each and every one of them is finally over.

The other main reason I am feeling better is that my due date has finally passed.  May 31st was a really hard day, but I must say that it feels so fucking good to not have that looming ahead of me any more.  That was just torture to look forward to and think about.  But now, it's over and done.  Of course it didn't really fix anything, I should have a one month old right now, and I will continue that "she should be this old" count as my life goes on.  But at least it's not really a "countdown", or a day in the future to dread.  Having my due date pass made the pain of it all seem less sharp, more easy to deal with.  It literally felt as though a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

Also, the sun and nice weather have helped a lot too.  I am kind of glad that all of this happened when the weather was shitty and rainy and snowy and cold.  I was able to stay inside and hibernate away from all the 'normal' people out in the world who didn't have their baby just die.  But now the sun is shining, my flowers are blooming (except my rose bush that my sister in law bought for me in memory of Love just after she died that is the "Sweetness" variety, that I think is now dead.  The irony is NOT lost on me.), and it is just generally nice to be out and about.  Avery is loving our new house, and has figured out his run bike so that keeps us busy, and life seems pretty okay.

But, please do not misunderstand.  I still have bad days, bad hours, bad minutes.  I still get blindsided by my grief, or a memory from the hospital or from my pregnancy will become crystal clear in my mind and I will be transported to that moment in time and I will need to hold on to something secure to keep me from falling apart.  But those are fewer and further between.  And, I can rebound a little easier.  Which is nice.

I am feeling less and less defined by this awful experience, and more and more hopeful for the future (although one funny - and I'm using the term 'funny' loosely here - side affect of Love's death is that now I am a lot more paranoid.  Every freckle is skin cancer, every headache is a brain tumour, if Andy is late I think he is dead on the side of the highway.  I guess it's because I know now that shitty things don't happen "to somebody else".  They can happen to me and to those I love.  That is fucking scary.) So, other than my paranoia, I guess I am feeling better about the future, and hell, even the present.

But I still miss my little girl, so very much.  That will never change.


  1. I remember when Brianna's due date passed and feeling a bit better that it was over. The anticipation of that date was awful. I was afraid no one but me would remember Brianna on her due date. And because of that, we used that date to send out an email to friends and family with her picture, to make her "real" to them too.

    And, as the months pass, it does get easier to rebound, as you so nicely put it. The memories still come, the pain of the grief still grips tightly every now and then, but the rebound is faster, easier. And you're right, the missing never changes.

  2. I understand the paranoia complelety. I thought this crap only would happen to someone else also.
    Glad your days have been better.

  3. I feel the same way, miss her every day... but the total weight of my grief has lessened. I can enjoy some of my life again, something I thought wouldn't happen for a long long time. There are still moments, sometimes whole days where I slip backwards into the darker side of missing her. But for the most part... better.
    Glad to see the same is happening for you :)