Monday, August 15, 2011

Scared to Update

Hi there.  I have been here for the last while, always reading, sometimes commenting...  I have been in a weird place lately, and haven't known how to share this next chapter.

I still miss my daughter every day, but the tears are fewer and further between.  I did have one of those vivid dreams last night that had me wracked in tears in my sleep, and I woke up exhausted.  I relived the night of Love's delivery in my dream, with some major dreamlike differences: Love came out able to walk and was running around the delivery room and I couldn't catch her no matter how hard I tried.  The details are very sketchy now, but I cried and cried as I realized that I would never hold her again.  When I woke up I was just drained and I have carried it with me all day.

Bad dream aside, things have been going pretty well.  I have had a busy summer with the family, and Avery is keeping me busy as usual.  He is just getting to be such an interesting and hilarious little guy, and I am just loving watching him become an independent little boy (when he is not demanding "Mommy uppie" or "Mommy play too" or "Mommy come too!".  You know, other than those times he is getting independent.)

We have gone to the lake to rest while Andy works, and we just got back from a few days on the hubbies parents boat which was LOVELY.  Gramma was a great help and I got a lot of help with Avery.  I actually read a book on the boat!!!!  It was pretty amazing.

The weather this summer has pretty much been shit on a stick, but the last two weeks have been lovely, so we are trying to pack as much in as we can to take advantage of what is left of the summer.

Anyways, in addition to all the family fun, I found out somewhat unexpectedly that I am pregnant.  I am now 9 weeks along, but found out at about 4 weeks.  The reason I say "unexpectedly" is that Andy and I were talking about thinking about trying again.  We weren't "doing much" to make it happen yet, and I was looking forward to taking the summer off of pregnancies to enjoy margaritas on the patio, and white wine with dinner, and beer on the hot days by Avery's little pool. I was hoping to put off the nausea until the summer heat had passed and we were in the cool of the fall.  But life had other plans.

I honestly didn't think that Andy and I had even gotten frisky during my ovulation.  We had family for a visit for a few days (very thin walls in this house = no hanky panky when the parents are visiting) and then Andy was off to Gun Lake to work for 2 weeks.  While he was in Gun Lake I was sure I was ovulating, so I thought for sure I wasn't or couldn't be pregnant.  So, when I was late with my period by 4 days I went to the pharmacy and bought pads and a pregnancy test.  You know, to cover all my bases. I couldn't wait to get home to take the test, so when Andy and Avery and I went to the coffee shop that morning I slipped away to the loo and took the test.  It took a while to register, so for a while I thought the test was negative.  But, after I washed my hands etc, I took one last look at the test before throwing it in the trash and my eyes almost popped out of my head.  There, in front of me, was a very faint second line!!  What??!!??  I couldn't believe it.  I was shaking and excited and nervous and terrified.  And in shock.  I don't know how this little one made it in there, but here we are.  Andy couldn't believe it either when I told him.

So, here we are five weeks later.  I am still just getting used to the idea of having a baby.  But, it is early days, and we all know that pregnancy does not automatically = baby.  So, I am taking it day by day.  This time is different though.  I am not excited to tell people.  I am scared as hell about getting my cerclage on Sept 9th.  I am nervous about the million and one things that could go wrong.  None of this stuff bothered me in previous pregnancies, but I guess it's because I have a 66% failure rate so far with my pregnancies that I am more of a nervous wreck this time.

I have wondered how it will be received to share this news here. Some of you are struggling with fertility, some are not ready yet to try, some are recently pregnant also.  I am just hoping that someone out there will know what this mixed bag of emotions is like, and might be able to relate to my excitement/horror/joy/fear shit mix that I am feeling.

Oh yeah, I am due on St.Paddy's day: March 17th 2012.  Fingers crossed that I have something to celebrate with green beer!!