Thursday, April 5, 2012

Anyone remember me?

To say it's been a while would be an understatement.  Lots has happened, but I just haven't had the energy or desire to write about it.  I'm not sure why, but I am still reading all of your updates and sometimes posting comments.  But my blog has remained silent.

I just wanted to write about two things:

First: Love's birthday was this past January 19th.  Thanks to my BLM friends here on the interwebz, I had a good idea what I was in for: severe anxiety leading up to the day, and then an emotional tear filled 24 hours on the actual day.  And, it did not disappoint. I had a nervous stomach for about 2 weeks leading up to her birthday, and every time I thought about it my stomach would flip.  I couldn't talk about Love at all, and when I looked forward to the day it was like a big black whole.

I woke up on the day of her birthday feeling like I had been punched in the stomach.  My mom was visiting to celebrate Avery's birthday the next day.  I had really wanted to spend the day by myself, but I decided to make the most of having her here as a distraction.  It was okay, but I had really wanted to take some time out to really reflect on Love's short life and to just let myself cry.  I didn't have that time, so the tears just came out randomly throughout the day.  Andy and I had a really good cry/hug session where I just sobbed and his eyes got moist (he's not much of a crier), and we just held each other.  I was pretty miserable.  In the middle of the day my mother in law Facetimed me, all chipper and rattling on about something silly, I'm sure, and she noticed that I wasn't myself.  When she asked what was wrong, I told her it was Love's birthday, so I was feeling blue...  She felt AWFUL for having forgotten on the day.  Not many people remembered, or said anything to me about it.  I just kind of passed as a normal day to everyone but me.  It will never be a normal day for me every again.


On a happier note, after nine long anxious months where I was DETERMINED to enjoy my pregnancy (as it will be my last!), I delivered a healthy and happy baby BOY on March 17th!!  Harrison was born at my mom's house in her bathtub, and it was the dreamiest, most wonderful moment of my whole entire life!  I say that because, although Avery's birth was wonderful as well, it felt like I was finally able to take control of my life, my body, and this birth - to take control back from the hospitals and needles and doctors and invasive procedures and long recoveries and fluorescent lights and uncomfortable beds and hospital gowns and beeping noises and constant interruptions.  It was just me, Andy, my Doula, and my midwife, Tamara (she had a second midwife join us near the end but she didn't stay long and I hardly even knew she was there!).  It was so relaxing, and exactly as I had hoped it would be.  I will tell the whole story later, but I just want to say that if there is anyone reading this who is considering a home birth, I would say 'GO FOR IT!!!'.  It was spectacular, and special, and everything I hoped it would be.

And Harrison is dreamy, and chewy, and soft, and cute, and I am in Looooooooooooooove!!  Avery loves him too, which is so special.  The most beautiful sound in the world to me is hearing Avery say Harrison's name in his little voice.  Ahhhh!  So special...

Anyways, I will update more about the birth later, but I just wanted to announce Harrison's arrival!!